A Short Little Story

I am a member of various webforums and on one, I asked for story ideas. I recieved two in a very short time. The first one was: "mutant chipmunks invade France" and the second one was: "Jeno (another forum member) conquers France".

If you like this, come to www.tomatocow.com and click on "forum" and comment if you like.

Here goes:

The woman before me had been drugged and tortured and still she resisted. Why would she do such a thing? I had to find a way to get around her refusal to speak of her crime. She must have committed one; otherwise, she would not be under my special care.
I looked down at the shiny metal tray that hovered at waste level before me. Upon it was a syringe full of a special selection of nano-probes. These would seek out those parts of her brain that held the information and those which feed his will to resist and enhance the former and extinguish the latter. I won’t go in to the details, but she may not survive the procedure. I had to wrestle with my boss, figuratively anyway, to allow me to use these unorthodox means.
I picked up the syringe and found a vein in her neck. The needle inserted, I sent the plunger home, flooding her system with nano-bots. She flopped around like a fish for a while and then steadied.
I asked her, “What happened in Frace?”
She nodded and spoke, “I burnt it.”
Such a simple, childlike answer is exactly what the nanos were supposed to ensure.
“How,” I asked, “Did you burn France. Tell me the whole story.”
She began, “I got the idea from a Professor of Micro-Technology. He discovered a way to transfer the very mind of humans into machines. He was conducting tests on volunteers. He put one volunteer in a car and told him to ride on the freeway. Unfortunately, the volunteer was British and drove on the wrong side.
“Did you know that a car could die? I didn’t until then. His mind was no longer present in the pieces we could find. Of course, he could have been in a very small piece that was never recovered. Can you imagine what it’s like, being on the side of the road for all eternity? It would be awful boring. I wouldn’t want it, not at all. * ho-hum *
“He put one woman into a stove. Sold her on eBay for a year’s worth of research money. That’s not very nice. * ho-hum *
“I figured that if that guy could put people into machines, he could put other things into machines. I asked him and he said that it was possible, but other things wouldn’t understand the nature of machines and so would be of no use. He offered to put me in a spatula, but I declined. * ho-hum *
“How would I make other things understand machines? I asked another professor, this time a professor of Thinky-Doo. He told me that any creature can be made sentient and so anything can understand machines. I asked him how something could be made sentient. He showed me into his lab and presented me with a sentient earthworm.
“The earthworm had a wire coming out of it which attached to a speech synthesizer. ‘Hello young human female’, it said to me, ‘I will now play you a song.’ The worm inched over to a small strip of conductive plastic and rolled around. Out of the speaker came music. The worm sang:
‘This microphone explodes, shattering the molds
Ya either drop tha hits like La O or get tha fuck off tha commode
Wit tha sure shot, sure ta make tha bodies drop
Drop an don’t copy yo, don’t call this a co-opt.
Terror rains drenchin’, quenchin’ tha thirst of tha power dons
That five sided fist-a-gon
Tha rotten sore on tha face of mother earth gets bigger
Tha trippers cold empty ya purse

‘They rally round tha family
With pockets full of shells
They rally round tha family
With pockets full of shells

‘Weapons, not food, not homes, not shoes, not need, just feed tha war cannibal animal
I walk tha corner to tha rubble that used to be the library
Line up to the mind cemetery
What we don’t know keeps tha contracts alive an movin’
They don’t gotta burn tha books they just remove ‘em
While arms warehouses fill as quick as tha cells

‘Rally round tha family, pockets full of shells
Rally round tha family
With pockets full of shells

‘Bulls on Parade!’

“The worm finished. I was amazed at how accurate and real the worm sounded. It really sounded like Rage Against the Machine (who’s songs are now public domain, so copy write companies can kiss my ass). I was amazed.
“I picked up a large piece of metal and hit the professor with it. He fell and hit the ground so hard that his head opened and oozy brain went all over the place. * ho-hum *
“I took his machines. The worm tried to stop me, but it was no match for my superior shoe size. I had my plan.
“I purchased, on the internet, 100,000 flying chipmunks and asked that they be delivered in separate boxes. Two days later, I had 100,000 boxes in my house. I opened each one and made each chipmunk sentient. Soon, I had 100,000 sentient chipmunks.
“I then purchased 100,000 ‘Mega Attack Giganto Claw Robots’ from Priceline.com. They arrived in 5 days and I transferred each chipmunk to it’s own robot.
“Told them, ‘You are my army. Together, we will conquer France!
“I arrayed them in New Foundland, as it’s slightly closer to Europe than Carolina. And sent them on attack! They reached France after several hours of swimming.
“The slaughter was enormous. The chipmunks landed in Brest and within six hours, all of France had surrendered. I paraded my troops through Paris in victory. I then ordered them to kill all inhabitants.”
I looked at her and asked, “What did you do in Canada?”
She smiled and said, “I had a Big Mac.”
“And what,” I asked, “Did you do with the wrapper?”
“I tossed it behind my car.”

I placed her under arrest for littering. She would, of course, receive the most severe punishment out nation allows for: twenty years of Anne Murray and Celine Dion albums. No one had yet survived.
Thus concludes my business here for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.